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Hear Matt's Story:
Chasing the Light
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The person featured in this video is sharing his individual experiences living with major depressive disorder (MDD).
He has been compensated for his time.
Individual experiences with the condition and treatment will vary. This resource is brought to you by Johnson & Johnson.
(Matt)
Living with major depressive disorder for me is like living in a thick black cloud. It consumes every part of my life when triggered.
I can go a few days at a time feeling this way, not wanting to eat and not doing anything for myself.
Meditation helps me. It gives me time to reflect on old memories. Dark or light, they brought me to where I am today.
I had a rough childhood.
I was bullied at school, and my home life was hard. All of this coupled with my negative thoughts made me feel like I was worthless.
It wasn't until my twenties that I realized how much I had really struggled.
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Matt
Patient Advocate with Major Depressive Disorder
(Matt)
Unfortunately, I found that adulthood wasn't much easier.
After a divorce, I suddenly became a single dad. On top of that, I was in college trying to manage my classes.
My twin baby girls were my world, but juggling my education and being there for my children was beyond a balancing act.
It felt like I didn't have time to manage my feelings of depression.
Between low self-esteem, and pervasive negative thoughts, I knew something was off.
I was putting on a happy face for everyone else. At night, it was difficult to shut down my negative thoughts and get to sleep.
I wrestled with the thought of not being here anymore but woke up each morning focusing on my kids and goals.
Exercising became a way for me to cope with what I was feeling. Moving my body made me focus on my goals and myself.
At the time, I felt like I was helping everyone else except myself. I was helping my family, peers, and boss… but not really focusing on what I needed.
But I knew workouts weren't enough to cope with my feelings.
Around that time, my best friend sat me down and talked to me about their concerns, saying that they thought I might have depression.
It was a turning point. Someone saw me, recognized my pain, and wanted to help me seek care.
I went to a therapist and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, also known as MDD. I was almost relieved to have a name for what I was experiencing, but I was frustrated because the support that I could find was minimal at that time.
I was so alone, mentally, physically and emotionally. I needed human connection and a path forward.
I worked with a healthcare provider and tried different antidepressants, but they didn't give me the relief I needed. I wanted to find what worked for me.
I really advocated for myself because it wasn't just about me. It was my future and striving for a happier life.
At this point, I was remarried and had five children. I had lost friendships, from becoming emotionally distant during my depression. And I had almost lost my current wife.
I couldn't lose her or our kids; I had to find lasting answers.
Finally, I met a psychiatric nurse practitioner who really listened to me, and we clicked. My healthcare provider and I talked about how to manage my depression, and I started seeing her on a regular basis. That one-on-one time with someone who was truly listening meant everything to me. I really valued that time. My doctor and I made strides towards a healthier future. Adding to my treatment plan has helped me find significant relief of my depression symptoms.
Not every day is perfect but I'm able to manage my MDD effectively.
It didn't feel like I was just putting on “a happy face” anymore. It was my own face, and even though not all days were great, I still felt more like myself. This is just my experience living with and treating MDD, and yours may be different.
It was enlightening.
She encouraged me to continue exercising and to start eating a bit healthier.
I also put time into learning more about MDD. From articles and podcasts, to reading books, I wanted to know everything I could.
Every decision I made to better myself was also a decision for my family. Throughout my journey they've supported me, loved me, and have had my back.
Getting diagnosed and getting treatment inspired me to give back.
I decided to use my career as an opportunity to help children struggling with various mental health conditions. Reflecting now, I think a lot of my struggles started in childhood and I wanted to be a resource for kids who needed help.
In a way, helping them, helped me cope with my past and emotionally heal in a lot of ways.
It's important to me because I don't want anyone to wait as long as I had to for a diagnosis.
If you're facing MDD, know that there are resources and support groups.
Getting diagnosed was just the beginning for me. I had to stick it out until I found a treatment that fit my needs. Through the light and dark moments, stability can be possible. It's important that you work with your doctor to find a treatment plan that works for you.
Work with your doctor to find your light.
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